bribible

For change! That is right people. I'm back to my old/new ways. I can't take anymore of this slow and steady weight loss, because in short, it has back fired...and last week when I went to the doctor I weighed in at 214!!! This CANNOT BE! Of course I had just had a huge lunch and was wearing all my clothes...but still. No more I tell you!

So what's the plan?
-Weigh In Every day and track it here.
-Exercise Every day...I must! (3 times a week strength, running everyday, and crunches everyday)
-And lose lose lose the weight!
-Calories? Well, I'm gonna eat what I'm comfortable with. That isn't a free ticket to binge...it is however a free ticket to severely restrict.

So today I've had some hot chocolate, sugar free...50 calories.
The only other things I have at work are instant oatmeal and soup. I might eat some oatmeal in a bit. If my husband wants to go out to eat I probably will just sip a diet coke...unless I am able to get something super healthy. Tonight I'm gonna run 2.5 miles (ug, it is gonna hurt).

Tomorrow morning I'll be getting up early and going to the gym at work. I'll weigh in then for the first time (really not looking forward to it.)

I'll probably post more later. I'm just gonna come here whenever I feel like cheating, because it is so worth it to abstain...and I'm just not strong enough to be 'reasonable' anymore.

Edward Cullen, duh! (from the books, not the movie).
Hotness + Immortality that he can possibly share with me = WIN

another hour down. 20 hours to go.  Should I drink green tea now?  Or should I wait.  I think I'm going to drink some now...even if I drink another cup later it won't really hurt anything.

started water fasting at 9:30 am (3.25 hours in) and I'm starting to feel hungry.  This is right, I'm supposed to feel hungry now.  But it is only a physical thing.  My body will soon start cleansing itself, yes it will.  Just gotta make it 24 hours and I will star feeling energetic.

20.75 hours to go.

OMG yes!  I would eat so much freaking food.  I would sleep the whole day, and just eat for 24 hours.

my arms are so fat I want to cry :(

totally binged.  after lunch (miso noodle soup) i wanted something sweet so I drank my chocolate slimfast (+180 calories).  Then my friend was feeling really bad and wanted me to take her to get something to eat at Arbys.  She was like, "Please get something.  I'll pay for it."  So, like a weak idiot I got a dr.pepper and cheesesticks.  And I'm still hungry.  WTF is WRONG WITH ME!?  

I don't care if I'm hungry.  Only liquids until Tuesday.  When I wake up in the morning I will work out like crazy since I have a lot of energy in the morning.  After that I don't really have to do anything, so it won't matter if I have no energy from not eating.  I have to do this.  I want to be under 200 so bad. :(

I'm going to my part time job now.  Luckily I won't be able to eat anything for 5 hours and then I'm going to bed.

This morning I weighed 206.6 (compared to 209.4 yesterday).  I'm so happy.  I'm sure a lot of it was water weight, but I don't really care.  So far today I've had some juice (50 cals), 1.5 rice cakes (50 cals), and some coffee (25 cals).  I wasn't able to finish the second rice cake because I felt like I was going to throw up.  I don't know why, I wasn't really full, but whatever. 

Last night I was pretty upset because I cheated and ate a bag of pretzels (110 cals).  But, since I still lost I don't feel too bad today about it.  Tonight I work my part-time job until 10:30, which means I can't eat from 5-10:30! YAY!  After that I'll go directly home and go to sleep.  Looking forward to seeing what the scale says tomorrow morning.  But of course, I'm terrified of Saturday.  I don't work at all, which is wonderful, but means I will be tempted to eat ALL day.  Hopefully I can stay super busy and that will help.

Random thought: I really want some gum.  (just sent an email to my husband asking him to pick some up for me).

Last night I had a wonderful dream.  I was skinny and I went to the plastic surgeon and said, "Do what you must to make me gorgeous," and I had the money to do every operation they recommended.  They did lipo on the back of my thighs, boob job, fixed the wrinkles on my forehead, and reduced the puffiness in my cheeks.  Oh, I would be so happy if I could get all that done.  And yes, I would do it in a heart beat if I had the money.

Oooo, I gotta go to the potty, yay!  (yes, i just said yay because I'm going to the potty, lol)

doing good so far today...

have had

coffee - 25 calories
1 serving of V8 Fruit Juice  - 50 calories
tuna/crackers - 80 calories
2.5 bottles of water (5 glasses) - 0 calories

I'm going to have another cup of coffee so I will have LOTS of energy at the gym in 25 minutes :)  When I get back I will have my slimfast (180 calories) and that will be it for the day.  total of 360 calories, and I will burn that all off at the gym at lunch...so if I DO work out tonight it will all be extra.

Was really irritated with the scale this morning.  It said 209...I was so sure that the weight I'd gained was water weight so last night I didn't eat anything and took 6 laxatives, but nothing happened!  Like, I didn't have to go to the restroom at all.  WTF?  I might take some more tonight.  I still think a lot of it is water weight. 

GW1 10/12 - 204.6
GW2 10/19 - 196.83
GW3 10/25 - 190

I know it is probably insane for me even to hope to be 190 by 10/25...but I'm so sick of being fat :(  I really hope I can at least get to 195.

Okay, I have to get obsessed with this.  I have to think about weight loss ALL the time, or I will screw up.  I have to start posting on here more often.  When I wake up and all day at work, and I have to on the weekends too....so sorry if anyone actually reads this.  You might get an overdose of me pretty soon.

I can't eat anything else today.  Luckily I don't have to work tonight so I'm going to take 8 laxatives, drink water water water water water, cleanse my system, and work out like crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I wish I had a phone where I could get on the internet.  Then I could stay on track 24/7.  Oh well :(

About one more hour left of work...I think I'm going to play a game.  10 minutes I'm going to drink a glass of water.  Of got to get this icky feeling out of me!

Tomorrow's plan...

Breakfast - Egg Sandwich - 100 Calories
Snack - Coffee and 2 Rice Cakes - 100 Calories
Lunch - Sandwich - 150 Calories
Dinner - Tuna/Crackers - 80 Calories
Snack - 2 Rice Cakes - 70 Calories
Total - 500 Calories

Exercise:
Morning - 30 Day Shred (-250 Caloreis)
                  30 Minute Treadmill (-200 Calories)
Lunch - 30 Minute Elliptical (-350 Calories)

I need to work in some more exercise....maybe after work I'll do some more treadmill...and maybe do some spinning in the morning...

Mac n' Cheese...I love that when I'm sick. 

75 Days until my birthday.  It is kind of cool because I realized I have gone 20 days being very strict on my diet.  This 20 days has gone by so fast it kind of scares me that I won't be able to lose as much weight as I want to by my B-day.  But you know what the really means?

It means...I need to..step it up ! !

I know that my cal intake is pretty low, so now I just need to find the motivation to work out, lol.  The more I think about it today the more I'm feeling up to it.  At lunch when we go to the gym I'm really going to push myself and try to burn 400 calories.  Then this afternoon when I get home I'm really gonna try to do an hour on the treadmill (between 400-500 calories)...and i moved my spinning bike in the living room so while I watch t.v. i can just ride.  I probably won't put the resistance up very high, but at least I will be moving all night.  Checked how many calories I'd burn on this site at a leisurely pace of biking and it said 378 per hour  (http://www.exercise4weightloss.com/exercise-calorie-calculator.html)  I will be happy if it is a quarter of that much. 

82 days until my birthday.  I'm not sure what I weight because I let my friend barrow my scale, which we have no nicknamed 'asshole', haha.  I will weight in the morning.

Today I'm starting my 2468 diet.  Doing good so far.  had my coffee at 8:30 (21) cals and a plum at 11:30 (30 cals)  I totall forgot to bring a morning star sausage to work, so I'll eat another plum at 1:30 and drink some tea so that I won't be too light headed when I work out at 2ish. 

I didn't do my work out this morning, sigh.  I just hate that workout video.  I might replace it with treadmill or spinning.  I am going to stay on the elliptical a little longer at lunch, so that should make up for it a bit.

Ug, so stressed today.  I just had this over whelming feeling my husband was going to leave me this morning, so during a meeting I calculated everything financially to make sure I could survive on my own if he did.  I expected there to be an email waiting for me when I got back to my desk, but there wasn't.  Is it a little weird that I was kinda dissapointed?  I mean, part of me wants to be alone.  Part of me thinks it would be easier.  But, a big part of me is scared to be without him, but I'm sick of being with someone just because I'm scared.  I should be with someone because I WANT to be!  Because it is fun!!  I really need to think on this and maybe talk to him, but I don't have time.  I have to go help this other secretary write an SR and she is load and irritating.  Ug.  I was proud because some other secretaries wanted to have lunch today, and I was like, "sorry guys, i just don't feel like being social".  no one bothered me.  It was awesome.

Also re-did the whole budget today.  Feels good to have a plan.

Ug, better get over there and help the lady.  Be back later.

Okay, so I went to lunch and splurged.  I feel more full than I have in a couple of weeks.  Even though I had planned on splurging I still feel really gross.  Sounds weird, but in a strange way if feels so good to associate being full with grossness instead of comfort like I did for so long.  I'm pretty sure I've hit at least 1200-1400 calories, so I doubt I'll eat anything the rest of the day.  After mailing my paternity test and going to the store tonight I will probably just do 30 minutes on the treadmill and then go to bed.  I am worried that I might be getting sick.

Tomorrow I'm going to start the 2468 diet.  This is the plan:

Wednesday:
8:30 a.m. - Coffee - 21 cals
11:30 a.m. - 1 Peach - 35 Cals
1:30 p.m. - 1 Morning Star Sausage - 80 cals
3:30 p.m. - Green Tea - 0 cals
5:00 p.m. - Brussel Sprouts - 50 cals
7:00 p.m. - Splenda Popsicle - 15 cals
Total: 201

Thursday:
8:30 a.m. - Coffee - 21 cals
10:00 a.m. - Peach - 35 Cals
11:30 a.m. - Oatmeal - 160 cals
1:30 p.m. - 1 Morning Star Sausage - 80 cals
3:30 p.m. - Green Tea & Rice Cake - 35 cals
5:00 p.m. - Brussel Sprouts - 50 cals
7:00 p.m. - Splenda Popsicle - 15 cals
Total: 396

Friday:
7:00 a.m. - Egg Whites - 35 cals
8:30 a.m. - Coffee - 21 Cals
10:00 a.m. - Peach - 35 Cals
11:30 a.m. - Oatmeal - 160 cals
1:30 p.m. - 1 Morning Star Sausage - 80 cals
3:30 p.m. - Green Tea & Rice Cake - 35 cals
5:00 p.m. - Brussel Sprouts - 50 cals
                    Peas & Corn - 150 cals
7:00 p.m. - Splenda Popsicle - 15 cals
Total: 581

Saturday:
I'm going to a birthday party Saturday, so I'm going to assume that most of my calories will be eaten up by that.  So I will allow myself:
Egg Whites - 35 cals
Peach - 35 cals
Brussel Sprouts - 50 cals
1 Rice Cake - 35 cals
Subtotal: 155 but i'm sure it will be up to 800 because the party will have beer and Mexican food.

Weekday Exercise Goals:
6:30 a.m. - 30 Day Shred DVD - 250 calories
2:00 p.m. - 30 Minutes on Elliptical - 350 calories
5:30 p.m. - Spinning, 20 Min - 200 calories
7:30 p.m. - 30 Minute Treadmill - 200 calories

I MUST stick too this.  I really want to be down to 208 at least by Monday.
I might make some fun thing to put on my desk to motivate me during the day.

83 more days until my birthday.  Usually that number makes me excited, because I only have 83 more days of eating bland food and exercising my butt off before I can have a break.  Today it feels more like, I ONLY have 83 more days to get some major weight off.  I really want to get down between 160 & 180 by 11/23.  As close to 160 as possible, of course.  I absolutely want to be below 200 by 10/1.  That is a MUST. 

Last night the hubby and I stayed up late talking about childhood.  It is always so sad and depressing.  He really opened up to me about how he hates it when people give him attention, and that he doesn't really know what it is like to feel flattered.  Funny how you can still learn something about someone after knowing them for so long.  He told me about this one time when he was very young, and in school they were singing a song where you randomly say someone's name.  When someone said his name he got up and left the room crying.  He didn't want anyone to notice him.  He said that is why he doesn't really get excited about birthday parties/presents.  He just doesn't think he deserves to be noticed.

It made me cry, because I don't ever think I'll be able to make him happy if he doesn't want my attention.  How can you accept someone's love if you don't believe you deserve to be loved?

Sigh, so many things were said.  It makes me love and respect him even more.  Makes me even more sorry that I lied to him about stuff.  :( 

Today I FEEL fat.  But, my pants are not nearly as tight.  I'm wearing my smallest jeans that I usually have to suck in to button.  But, I just pulled them out of the dryer and put them on.  I usually can't do that.  It doesn't help though.  That scale rules my mind, lol.

I guess it is the perfect day for me then to try and apply this quote, "Rule your mind, or it will rule you."


Might write more later.  I'm not in the mood to do anymore work.

A girl posted a list of goals, and I think that is a great idea so I am going to too:::

1.  Be between 160 and 180 by birthday, 11/23/1983 (AKA, lose 33 to 53 pounds)
2.  Try out for the winter musical at ETC.
3.  Stop lying!!!  And when I do lie, admit it and appologize.
4.  Wear lotion every day.
5.  Give myself a manicure/pedicure 2 times a week.


That is it for now, but I might add to it later.

Well, did pretty good this weekend.  Saturday I did go over my goal by 100 calories...but Sunday I was under my goal by 100 cals so it evens out.  I also went bike riding on the seawall Sunday morning.  It was pretty awesome.  My big sister and little sister were with me.  They are both pretty thin.  My little sister has the cutest stomach.  I can't wait to get there.

The cool thing was that I kicked their butts during most of the ride.  They were like, "Dang girl!  You are amazing."  That made me feel good, that even though I'm HUGE in comparison to them, I still have as good or better fitness level.

Weighed in at 212.6 yesterday morning :).  My goal is to be 212 by tomorrow, so I'm hoping that will happen.  Next Monday I want to be down to 207.8 (so ~5 lbs).  I have never been below 210 so that will be really exciting.  Ah, I feel motivated just talking about it.

My husband and I got in a big fight Saturday night, because I lied to him about some pretty major financial stuff.  I know it is my fault, and I deserve for him to be mad at me.  I have to stop lying or I'm going to end up old and alone like my mom.  The thing is, sometimes I think it would just be easier to be alone.  Sometimes I wish he would leave me already so I can start getting on with my life.  I feel like I'm just waiting for him to finally be fed up.  BUT, I have to remember that most of the time our marriage is awesome.  If I could just stop screwing up all the time I'd be happier, I just know it.  So, new goal in addition to weight loss...MUST STOP LYING!

I also get my paternity test results back at the end of this week (early next week at the latest).  That should be interesting. 

I really want to EAT something!  Like some animal cookies or something.  Wish I had some rice cakes to offset the cravings, but I'm out.

My husband just sent me an email saying that it feels like something bad is happening.  I did just write that I think sometimes it would be easier to be without him...but I can't tell him that.  I know it is just the emotions talking when I think those kinds of things.  It has to be, right?

Ug...today is so boring....makes me want to eat.  I just have to resist.  84 more days until my birthday.  I just have to hang on.

Only 86 more days until my birthday and I am finally ahead of my goal!!  Today I wanted to weigh 213.8, and I weigh 213.6!  Woot!  So excited!